she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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