I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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