Don't make out with my wife yet
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
