What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
