looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
