she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
