Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
