I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
