It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
