btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
