i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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