planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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