I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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