You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
