If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm both gender and math confused
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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