The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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