just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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