When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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