So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
