Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
