If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I have fence marks all over my body
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
