i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
