Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
