ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
