Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
