Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
