Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
