is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
