dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
