Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I did not marry a roomba.
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