I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
