did you get engaged???
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
