Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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