I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
