Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
