I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
