u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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