So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
