yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
