I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
