Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
