You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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