He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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