i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You are the jesus of drinking
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
