i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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