My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
