i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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