i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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