booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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