i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
