wrigley field is MILF paradise
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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