At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
