I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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